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Halloween Definitions 

Bobbing Apples:
What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman:
Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin:
What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein:
Hot dog and a mug of beer

Full Moon:
What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin:
How you eat the Snickers Bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man:
What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern:
An Irish pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper:
What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy:
Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch:
What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton:
Any super model.

Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch:
See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie:
What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

It was a graveyard romance. Boy meets ghoul.

Some years ago I tried to become a ghost writer.
But I couldn't find any ghosts who wanted me to write for them.

Is a drunken ghost a methylated spirit?

The sun-scorched vampire was crawling through the desert, crying 'Blood! Blood!'

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive Halloween! 

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
How
How who?
How am I going to get in if you don't open the door?

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Witch
Witch who?
Witch one of you can fix my broomstick?

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Ivan 
Ivan Who?
Ivan suck your blood!

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Boo 
Boo Who?
Boo Who, I didn't want to make you cry! 

Vampire 1: "I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died."
Vampire 2: "How awful!"
Vampire 1: "Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time."

Girl Monster 1: "I hear you've met the perfect guy."
Girl Monster 2: "Oh yes, he's a bad dream come true!"

Witch 1: "How do you manage to stay in shape?"
Witch 2: "I get a lot of hexercise."

Student 1: "Did you know that ghosts are protected by the Constitution?"
Student 2: "They are?"
Student 1: "Sure. It''s in the Bill of Frights!"

Girl 1: "Can I invite a few friends to your Halloween party?"
Girl 2: "Sure. The more, the scarier!"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,

"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

TRICK OR TREATING BY STAR SIGN

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

THE THIRTEEN DAYS OF HALLOWEEN

On the first day of Halloween
My postman brought to me,
A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the second day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the third day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fifth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eighth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Twelve skeletons a-dancing,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the thirteenth day of Halloween,
Before this could happen ...
... I Moved!

Halloween Flashers

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.

He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP..." behind him.

Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him... "BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP..."

The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him ....... faster ... faster ... BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him, however, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping... BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door.

Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything... all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin... and... of course... the coffin stops!

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

10 Scariest Halloween Costumes:

10. Osama Bin Laden
9. Osama Bin Laden
8. Osama Bin Laden
7. Osama Bin Laden
6. Osama Bin Laden
5. Osama Bin Laden
4. Osama Bin Laden
3. Osama Bin Laden
2. Osama Bin Laden

And the scariest costume of 2001 is:

1. Larry King dressed as Osama Bin Laden

The New York Post reports that many trick-or-treaters want to dress up as Osama bin Laden, the hunted head of the al-Queda terrorist network.

"Bin Laden is big," says Abracadabra costume shop owner Paul Blum. "People keep coming in asking for the mask." Blum says that he's so far been unable to find any bin Laden masks, but that he's "checking around to see if I can get any..."

... Ironically, everyone in Afghanistan is trying their best NOT to look like Bin Laden during October..

A twelve-year-old goes into his folks' bedroom with a sheet over his head.

He tells his parents it is his Halloween costume and wants them to guess what he is.

They say, "A ghost."

He says, "No, I'm............ Osama bed Linen"

Everyone at the company where I work dressed up for Halloween. One fellow's costume stumped us. He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with a large 98.6 across the front in glitter. When someone finally asked him what he was supposed to be, he replied, "I'm a temp."

Top Signs your too Old for trick or treating!

12. You ask to use the washroom every two houses.

11. You lose your teeth bobbing for apples at Halloween parties.

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live. 

How to carve a pumpkin

First Step:
Go to the pumpkin patch, go ALL the way to the back, find the one  that is the MOST difficult to carry, and make sure it costs EXACTLY three dollars more then your parents are willing to spend!

Second Step:
Take the pumpkin outside and wash it off with soap and a hose. If unfortunately you also are in a drought season get two wash-cloths, wet one with warm water, and the other with hot soapy water and wash the pumpkin. 

Third Step:
Get all of the supplies that you will need. They are as follows: At LEAST three sheets of news paper; 1 sharp knife; 1 large spoon; 1 large bowl; 1 sane adult

(Parents need not apply) 
Start Carving!!

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." 

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

What's the difference between a ghoul and a goblin?

It has come to my attention that these words are being tossed around too easily, as if they meant almost the same thing. Let's not get sloppy just because it's almost Halloween.

Ghouls are the more disgusting of the two. They were evil spirits who robbed graves to eat the dead (This was before fast food hamburgers). The 19th century low-life grave robbers who provided doctors with fresh corpses on which to experiment were also called ghouls.

Goblins were frightfully ugly sprites who could be bad as bad can be, but sometimes were merely mischievous. The latter were often called hobgoblins. Some goblins were also said to come with old houses (and you thought crabgrass was a problem). 

Why do we call people who turn into wolves "werewolves?"

Well, what would YOU call a person who turned into a wolf? Something respectful, I hope, if he were standing nearby. 

The werewolf legend dates back at least to ancient Rome. The King of Arcadia was said to have been turned into a wolf when he sought to test the divinity of the god Jupiter by serving him a hash made from human flesh. Jupiter, who was probably partial to omelets, took offense and before you know it, the King was howling at the moon.

Oh, the word werewolf comes from the Old English, "wer," meaning man. Yes, man-wolf sounds backwards, but what do you expect from a guy who walks around on all fours?

Why do pumpkins become jack-o'-lanterns on Halloween? 

It all started with the Druids, a learned, priestly class among the ancient Celts. At their October 31 feast celebrating the end of summer, the spirits of the dead returned for a night. The Druids, the first ghostbusters, lit fires to keep away the unwanted guests. 

In the early Middle Ages, the Church co-opted the holiday, making it All Saint's Day (also called All Hallows Day and Eve, from which we get Halloween). It was brought to America in the 1840s by Irish Catholic immigrants, along with the holdover custom from pagan times of carrying a light to ward off evil spirits. In Ireland, candles had been placed in carved out potatoes to make jack-o'-lanterns. But in America, pumpkins were plentiful, and it was the light shining from them that told marauding spirits: hit the road, Jack!

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. 

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

- The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass not the other way around.

- 'Cause you should know that wearing a white sheet in Atlanta could only lead to getting your ass whupped, Homeboy.

- Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.

- Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party, four times.

- Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.

- Your beret falls off every time you kneel.

- Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer?" Check. Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!

- No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.

- This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.

- Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.

- The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.

- The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.

- *Nobody* likes a farting clown.

* Still hasn't forgiven Michael J. Fox for "Teen Wolf."

* Newly installed keg of Nair in men's room.

* His Wolfman Jack impression is eerily authentic.

* Five o'clock shadow appears around 8:30 am.

* Only *guy* you know who circles several days a month in red on his desk calendar.

* Says, "Great job on the Hanrahan account!" and then humps your leg.

* Domino's guy asks, "who ordered the large Cheese and Raw Beef Special?"

* Adamantly refuses to drink Coors Light.

* In lieu of annual bonus, prefers a good scratching behind the ears.

* Suddenly sports a beard when mooned at office holiday party.

* Water cooler conversations always end with talk of "kickin' Ol' Yellar's ass."

* "Severance pay" has taken on a whole new meaning lately..

* Vending machine always out of Milk Bones.

* Your sarcastic little "Bite me!" nets you 12 stitches.

* Always calls in sick with "mange."

* Coughs up a hairball during morning staff meeting.

* Has more hair on his back than you've got on your head, and he's NOT ED ASNER!

Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:

WITCH BURNING: Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on shit. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged women.

WINDOW WAXING: These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights, if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.

TRICK-OR-TREATING: This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.

And then there are the treats themselves:

Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride free) dentifrice.

Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.

Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:

That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes is eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the choking hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage.

Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin? Uh uh, cruelty to animals, or their depiction, is a no-no.

Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there's an equal (and not separate) opportunity to Jane for them, too.

Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged, after 1999 they will be mandatory.

And, finally, costumes:

Ghosts are out of date. Casper is clearly a dead, white male, probably European, and full of hot air to boot.

Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists.

Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients, not to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.

Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the Transylvanian consulate.

Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble with lawyers who specialize in representing accident victims on contingency bases. Which is to say, all of them.

Disney costumes. Sleepy and Dopey will anger the vertically-impaired, Cinderella the adoption agencies, and Aladdin the Arab-American lobby. Uncle Remus? You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat. A cow person? Perhaps, but don't pack a gun. And don't even think about punching a cow.

So there you are. The scariest thing about Halloween these days is that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone. And if someone scares you, you can't scream. In some communities, any auditory emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a fine and/or jail term. Whether you can react instead with a sullen but non-denominational moment of silence will be considered later this term by the Supreme Court. Until then, do so at your own risk.

* Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 

* NutraSweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

* Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 

* Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

* Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!" 

* After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin. 

* After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

* No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

* With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

* No warm blood for miles around DC. 

* Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots. 

* No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body. 

* Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies." 

* Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

* Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania and on All Hallows Eve (Halloween). They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "But we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." 

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano, for it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! ...THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!"

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my damn cookies!"

A woman opens her front door on Halloween night and finds a little boy in a pirate costume. "Oh, what an adorable pirate!" she exclaims. "Where are your buccaneers?" 

"Under my buccan hat," he replies. 

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. 

The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.

The women in my family have been living by a number system for the past several weeks, so the other day I decided to get in on the program, too.

In other words, I joined Weight Watchers.

WW now assigns every edible item on the face of the earth a corresponding point value, and according to your present weight, you get a pre-set number of points (or food) that you can eat. Therefore, if you're lucky, that means you can have three meals a day...as long as you don't mind gum for one of them.

The points add up quick. For example, a slice of bread is two points. An enchilada is nine points, and a meal at McDonalds is one million, two hundred and twenty nine thousand, seven hundred and eighty nine points - or better yet, your last meal on Earth.

The night before my diet was set to start, I checked out the chart to see how many points I could eat each day. Based on my weight, I'm allowed 25. 

Seeing that wouldn't work for me, I decided that because I'm a man, and therefore I have the role of hunter-gatherer in the family, I should have extra points. So I gave myself 30 points a day. In other words, I added up the equivalent of 25 points and realized that if I stuck to that meager plan, I wouldn't be able to operate heavy machinery.

But don't think that extra seven points buys me a trip down the buffet line. There are only degrees of starvation.

Actually, I did think that the first day went fairly smooth - mostly, I guess, because the night before the diet, I binged as a farewell to my old eating habits and woke up the next day barely able to walk. Still, by evening, I was starving.

So my wife asked me how many points I had left for dinner. I rolled my eyes. "I have enough to enjoy a tablespoon of dirt," I answered, "as long as there aren't any bugs (five points) in it...or mulch (nine points)."

The diet has gone downhill from there. To be successful, you really have to learn how to space your points out evenly throughout the day. That way, by dinner time, you still have enough so you don't get a hunger headache, or your stomach doesn't rumble and frighten small children.

There's a discipline to the program, which, incidentally, my wife is really good at following. Just yesterday morning she was bragging about it.

"I banked three points yesterday," she announced.

I looked up from licking the bottom of my cereal bowl. "What does that mean?"

"I didn't use three points," she exclaimed.

I wanted to cry. "I'll give you $10 for them."

"You can't buy MY points," she answered.

"Why not?" I argued. "You're not using them."

"Yes I am," she retorted. "I can apply them to my points today - I'm going to have a latte with my lunch."

"Yum," I said. "I'll give you $5 to smell your breath."

I think I might have to up my daily points - like maybe by one million, two hundred and twenty nine thousand, seven hundred and eighty nine.
 

* Any house that seems to be imploding into a space-time wormhole.

* Any house made of food.

* Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement.

* Any house where the high tension wires suddenly stop right above it.

* Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas.

* Any house that growls "get out."

* Any house where the furniture seems to be walking across the living room floor.

* Any house that looks like a giant pulsating orb floating 3 feet off the ground.

* Any house with various and extremely realistic statues in the front yard of people in odd "running away" poses.

* Any house that wasn't there only a minute ago.

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" 

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." 

The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." 

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." 

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light!" 

A man is driving home late one Halloween night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. 

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. 

The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" 

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?" 

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

Q: How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune,
and Halloween costume to create something tasty?

A: Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.

Q: Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party?
A: They knew he wouldn't show up.

Q: Why don't witches have babies?
A: Their husbands have hollow weenies

Q: Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
A: He was caught drinking on the job!

Q: Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
A: Women can see right through them!

Q: What do ghosts drive?
A: Boo-icks

Q: Where do skeletons go to swim?
A: The Dead Sea!

Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a drip-dry suit?
A: A wash-and-werewolf!

Q: What did the boy monster do when the girl monster rolled her eyes at him?
A: He picked them up and rolled them back to her!

Q: Why didn't the skeleton like disco?
A: Because he didn't have any soul!

Q: What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo!

Q: What do baby monsters call their parents?
A: Mummy and Deadie!

Q: Daddy, why do all the other kids call me werewolf?
A: Be quiet son, just go and comb your face!

Q: What did the witch say to her brand new little broom?
A: Go to SWEEP, little baby!

Q: Who did the zombie invite to his Halloween party?
A: Anyone he could dig up!

Q: What do you call a fairy that won't take a bath?
A: Stinkerbell!

Q: Why are gyspies noisy lovers?
A: They have crystal balls

Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover?
A: Don't press your luck.

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A: A walkie talkie!

Q: What is Frankenstein's favorite waterway?
A: The Eerie Canal.

Q: What is a ghosts favorite ride at the midway?
A: A roller ghoster!!

Q: Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
A: He wants to use them later for cold cuts!!

Q: What is Dracula's favorite coffee? 
A: De'coffin'ated! 

Q: What is a baby ghost's favorite game? 
A: Peek-a-boo! 

Q: How does a werewolf like his eggs for breakfast?
A: Terrorfried!

Q: What is a Mummies' favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!

Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.

Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving.

 
Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween? 
A: Prank-enstein!

Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.

Q: Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.

Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: "How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

Q: What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
A: Ghost toasties with booberries.

Q: What's soft, moldy and flies?
A: A spoiled bat.

Q: What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
A: "You're under a vest!"

Q: What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
A: He had to give it back.

Q: Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
A: He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A: A dead ringer.

Q: What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
A: I'd like to get to gnaw you.

Q: Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
A: "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights.

Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.

Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: She looks at her witch watch.

Q: Where can you see a real ugly monster?
A: In the mirror.

Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you're a mouse

Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose?
A: The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

Q: What's the best place for a mirror?
A: In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A: A holy terror.

Q: What goes "Oob, oob!"
A: A witch in reverse.

Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A: She flies off the handle.

Q: Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

Q: Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
A: It was his bat.

Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Put your boos and shocks on.

Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: See you next month!

Q: What is a monster's favorite lunch meat? 
A: Boo-loney!

Q: How can you enter a haunted house?
A: With a skeleton key.

Q: How can you fatten up a ghost?
A: With ghoulash and spooketti.

Q: What is a ghost's favorite ride?
A: A roller ghoster.

Q: How can a witch tell the time?
A: By using a witch watch.

Q: What is bigger than a monster but lighter than a bird?
A: A monster's shadow.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a ghost with a black bird?
A: A scare-crow.

Q: Where do ghosts take their dirty coats?
A: To a dry-screamers.

Q: What did the phantom on guard duty outside the haunted castle say when he heard a noise?
A: 'Halt! Who ghosts there?'

Q: Why was the shy ghost frightened of going to the opticians' party?
A: Because he thought he might make a spooktacle of himself.

Q: What music do ghosts like?
A: Haunting melodies.

Q: How did the two ghosts fall in love?
A: It was love at first fright.

Q: On what day do ghosts play tricks on each other?
A: April Ghoul's Day.

Q: Where can you catch a ghost train?
A: At a mainfestation.

Q: Why did the female ghoul like demons?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Q: What do you call a female ghost who serves drinks and food on a 'plane?
A: An air ghostess.

Q: What kind of coffee does Count Dracula drink?
A: Decoffinated

Q: Why couldn't the witch have babies?
A: because her husben had a holloweeny

Q: WHY DID THE SKELETON BURP?
A: BECAUSE HE HAD NO GUTS TO FART.

  Q: What do you call an ugly old woman who sits on the beach casting spells?
A: A sand witch.

Q: What did the witch do when her broom broke down?
A: She witch-hiked.

Q: How can you easily make a witch itch?
A: Remove the 'w'.

Q: What do you call a witch's husband when he's travelling on her broomstick?
A: A flying sorcerer.

Q: What do young witches like best in school?
A: Spelling lessons.

Q: What do you get if a witch gets flu?
A: Cold spells.

Q: What is a werewolf's favorite type of story?
A: A hairy tale!

Q: Did you hear about the hippie werewolf?
A: He was fur out, man!

Q: What do you call two witches who live together?
A: Brommates!

Q: Did you hear about the obnoxious pumpkin?
A: He was a real jerk-o'-lantern!

Q: What does an Australian witch ride on?
A: A broomerang!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a witch with a famous director?
A: Steven Spellberg!

Q: Where do spooks go to mail a letter?
A: The ghost office.

Q: What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man?
A: "Long time, no see!"

Q: When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?
A: When you're a mouse!

Q: What happened when the little witch misbehaved?
A: She was sent to her broom.

Q: What do you say to a depressed vampire?
A: "Fang in thre!"

Q: How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A: Try tickling his funny bone!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas?
A: A ghoul Yule!

Q: What is Dracula's favorite line for meeting girls?
A: "Hey, gorgeous. What's your blood type?"

Q: How come vampires never seem to have any trouble?
A: Because they're a pain in the neck!

Q: How did the ghost look in her designer sheet?
A: Boo-tiful!

Q: What did the angry skeleton say to the other skeleton?
A: "I have a bone to pick with you!"

Q: What do little sppoks call their parents?
A: Mummy & Deady.

Q: Why was Frankenstein acting so strangely?
A: His head wasn't screwed on right.

Q: Where do little monsters play at recess?
A: In the ghoulyard!

Q: What did the Pilgrim vampire celebrate?
A: Fangsgiving.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Independence day?
A: The Fourth of Ghoul-ly!

Q: Why were the trick-or-treaters wearing grass skirts?
A: Because it was Hulaween!

Q: Where does a vampire keep his Easter candy?
A: In his Easter casket!

Q: How does a monster begin a fairy tale?
A: "Once upon a slime..."

Q: What's worse than a vampire with a toothache?
A: A skeleton with arthritis!

Q: What happened when the ghost disappeared in the fog?
A: He was mist.

Q: Where's the most dangerous place to go trick-or-treating?
A: On the psycho path!

Q: Did you hear about the really stupid horror movie?
A: It was shudder nonsense!

Q: Did you hear about the Egyptian monster who was a terrible driver?
A: He was a crash mummy!

Q: Did you hear about the starving vampire?
A: He was all gums!

Q: Why is it tough to compete against a vampire?
A: Because they're always out for blood!

Q: Did you hear about the vampire in Camelot?
A: He was a bite of the Round Table!

Q: What would you get if you corssed Dracula with Captain Kidd?
A: A vampirate!

Q: What did vampire call his girlfriend?
A: His "vein squeeze"!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a prehistoric creature with a witch?
A: A dino-sorceress!

Q: What did the little ghost eat for lunch?
A: A booloney sandwich!

Q: What do little monsters like to drink?
A: Ghoul-Aid!

Q: What do you call eyeglasses for a ghost?
A: Spooktacles!

Q: Where would you find the graves of famous English ghouls?
A: Westmonster Abbey!

Q: How did the bootician style the ghost's hair?
A: With a scare dryer!

Q: What did the dog say to the skeleton?
A: "I'd like to get to gnaw you."

Q: Why didn't the little monster go trick-or-treating?
A: He didn't have a costume.

Q: Is it good to drink witch's brew?
A: Yes, it's very newt-tricious!

Q: Why is a ghost like an empty house?
A: Because there's no body there!

Q: What happened when the vampire met the werewolf?
A: They became the best of fiends!

Q: What Central American country has the most spooks?
A: Ghosta Rica!

Q: What would you get if you crossed the Wolfman with a dog?
A: A werewolf!

Q: Did you hear about the ghost who went on safari?
A: He was a big-game haunter!

Q: What game do baby ghosts like to play?
A: Shriek-a-boo!

Q: Did you hear about the new ice cream for monsters?
A: It's called "Cookies and Scream."

Q: What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas?
A: A ghoul Yule!

Q: Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation?
A: At the Howliday Inn!

Q: Where does the Wolfman live?
A: In a werehouse!

Q: How do zombies celebrate Halloween?
A: They paint the town dead!

Q: What oinks amd drinks blood?
A: A hampire!

Q: Why are haunted houses so noisy in April?
A: That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!

Q: What's orange on the inside and clear on the outside?
A: A pumpkin in a plastic bag!

Q: What does a vampire take for a cold?
A: Coffin syrup!

Q: Where do ghost ships like to cruise?
A: In the Scare-ibbean Sea!

Q: What European capital has the most ghosts?
A: Boodapest!

Q: What did the ghost serve at his Halloween party?
A: Hallowieners!

Q: What is a witch's favorite TV show?
A: Lifestyles of the Witch and Famous!

Q: What do fishermen say on Halloween?
A: "Trick-or-trout!"

Q: What do birds say on Halloween?
A: "Trick-or-tweet!"

Q: What would you get if you crossed a pumpkin with a Magic superstar?
A: A shaq-o'-lantern!

Q: Why did the pumpkin wear a football helmet?
A: Because it was a jack-o'-lantern!

Q: What do you call a ghost at midnight?
A: A sheet in the dark!

Q: What did the man say when he saw the long-lost maniac?
A: "You're a psycho for sore eyes!"

Q: Did you hear about the ghost mortician?
A: He lived in a haunted hearse!

Q: Why did Dracula go to jail?
A: He tried to rob the blood bank.

Q: What do you call a fat Jack-o-Lantern?
A: A Plumpkin

Q: What do you get when you cross a Snowman with a Vampire?
A: Frostbite

Q: How do you fix a broken Jack-O-Lantern?
A: With A Pumpkin Patch

Q: What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
A: Why orange you orange?

Q: What did the pumpkin say to his girl friend?
A: "I seed you with another guy."

Q: What did the pumpkin say after Thanksgiving?
A: Good-Pie

Q: What did a mad pumpkin say to his enemy?
A: "I'll stem on your foot!"

Q: When asked how he was, what did the pumpkin reply?
A: "I'm vine, thank you."

Q: What did one jack-o'-lantern say to another?
A: "Cut it out!"

Q: What does a pumpkin pie say after a big meal?
A: "That was filling."

Q: What does a pumpkin tiger do?
A: Stalk Its Prey

Q: What does a pumpkin priest stand on?
A: A Pulpit

Q: What do pumpkins eat at ball games?
A: Pulp Corn

Q: What do pumpkins eat at McDonald's?
A: Bix Max

Q: What kind of romances do pumpkins have?
A: Mushy

Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash

Q: What's orange and goes putt-putt-putt?
A: An Outboard Pumpkin

Q: What does a pumpkin sew?
A: A Pumpkin Patch

Q: What vegetable does a pumpkin turn into when an elephant steps on it?
A: Squash

Q: What's orange and goes bzzzzzzzz?
A: An Electric Pumpkin

Q: What was orange and lived in Egypt?
A: Tutapumpkin

Q: What do pumpkin poets write?
A: Rinds

Q: What's orange and flies?
A: Super Pumpkin

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? 
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle! 

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? 
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? 
A. Bone appetite !

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? 
A. Day scare centers

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? 
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rainstorm? 
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert? 
A. Ice Scream


Q. What's a monster's favorite play? 
A. Romeo and Ghouliet


Q. What do witches put on their hair? 
A. Scare spray


Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? 
A. Bamboo


Q. What's a haunted chicken? 
A. A poultry-geist


Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula? 
A. He has a big D on his pajamas


Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? 
A. Grandma monster


Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb? 
A. Because he was in need of a light snack 


Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? 
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster? 


Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make? 
A. Boo boos


Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? 
A. Because of his coffin


Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies? 
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps


Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat? 
A. Ghost-Toasties


Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? 
A. A wash and wear wolf


Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? 
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts


Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? 
A. Count Duckula


Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? 
A. A cereal killer


Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? 
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's


Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? 
A. Because everyone was a goblin!



Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet? 
A. With a pumpkin patch.



Q. What do witches use on their hair? 
A. Scare spray



Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang? 
A. His other fang.



Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween? 
A: Twick or Tweet



Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? 
A: Tombstones



Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? 
A: It's good for the bones



Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? 
A: White Pillowcases



Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? 
A: Squash



Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? 
A: Their bats flew away



Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school? 
A: Spelling



Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor? 
A: Because he was coffin



Q: What does a vampire fear most? 
A: Tooth decay



Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account? 
A: At a blood bank



Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween? 
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup



Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? 
A: To the dead sea



Q: What is Transylvania? 
A: Dracula's terror-tory



Q: Where does dracula water ski? 
A: On Lake Erie



Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis? 
A: A blood vessel



Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference? 
A: Pumpkin Pi



Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries? 
A: Because people are dying to get in. 



Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 
A: He didn't have the guts.



Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch? 
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.



Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is? 
A: She looks at her witch-watch.



Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? 
A: Don't spook until your spooken to. 



Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? 
A: An amoeboo!



Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night? 
A: By blood vessels.



Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? 
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend! 



Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? 
A: He was repossessed. 



Q: What did the one pumpkin say to the other pumpkin when he had a fever?
A: You're burning up!! 



Q: What is a ghosts favourite kind of cereal? 
A: Scream of wheat!! 



Q: What name does a spider and a dictionary have in common?
A: Webster!!! 

Q: What do you call a vampire that hiccups?
A: Count Drunkula! 



Q: What does a witch eat at the beach?
A: A Sandwitch!! 



Q: Why didn't the skeleton fight?
A: Cuz he didn't have the guts to!! 



Q: Why didn't the go to the halloween party? 
A: Cuz he had no body to go with!! ! 



Q: How did one witch know the other?
A: They where broom mates in collage! 



Q: What is a ghosts favorite desert?
A: I scream and boo berry pie! 



Q: What does a ghost call his parents? 
A: His trans-parents ! 



Q: What does a bat call his bathroom?
A: A batroom! 



Q: Why did the girl vampire break up with her boyfriend?
A: Because he was a pain in the neck! 



Q: What does a baby ghost need at a restaurant?
A: A boo-ster seat! 



Q: Why did the bat use mouth wash?
A: Because he had bat breath! 



Q: What does a ghost eat for dinner?
A: Spookghetti! 



Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
A: Fangs-giving! 



Q: Why was the little ghost crying?
A: Because he had a BOO-BOO! 



Q: What did the snowman and the vampire name their baby?
A: Frostbite! 



Q: What kind of pants does a ghost wear? 
A: "Boo" jeans! 



Q: What does a ghost call his Mom and Dad?
A: Mummy and Dead! 



Q: Why did the mummy take a bowling ball with him to the bathroom?
A: Because he went to the bowlingbowl! 



Q: When do werewolf children stay home from school?
A: On Howladays! 



Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: Because he was "coffin"! 



Q: When does a witch know it's time to trick or treat?
A: She looks at her witch-watch! 



Q: Why was there no food left after the monster's party?
A: Because everybody was a-goblin! 



Q: When do black cats scratch themselves?
A: When they have w-itches! 



Q: What do ghosts wear in the rain?
A: Boo-ts! 



Q: Why did the baby vampire bat wake up screaming?
A: He had bite-mares! 



Q: What kind of tape do you use on Halloween?
A: Mask-ing Tape! 



Q: Why can't skeletons go trick-or-treating?
A: They have no-body to go with! 



Q: What do naughty ghosts use in school?
A: Cheat sheets! 



Q: What do vampires wear in the fall?
A: Their bat-to-school clothes!



Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs! 



Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had "no body" to go with! 



Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling! 



Q: What is a witch with poison ivy called?
A: An itchy witchy! 



Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A: Hello. Hello. Hello! 



Q: What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A: A boo-loney sandwich! 



Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end! 



Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a drip-dry suit?
A: A wash-and-wearwolf! 



Q: What did the papa ghost say his ghostly children?
A: Fasten your sheet belt! 



Q: What kind of pets do ghosts have?
A: Scaredy Cats! 



Q: Where do vampires put their money? 
A: Blood Banks! 



Q: What room can't a ghost go in?
A: The Living Room! 



Q: Where do ghosts go swimming?
A: The Dead Sea! 



Q: What does a ghost eat for dinner?
A: Booghetti and Boo bread! 



Q: What's a ghost's favorite Mother Goose Story?
A: Little Boo Peep!



Q: What's a Vampire's favorite fruit?
A: NECtarine! 



Q: What do you call two skeletons that get married?
A: A Dead Wed! 



Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with a clown?
A: A Brew Ha-Ha! 



Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: A Witch Watch! 



Q: When does a skeleton laugh?
A: When something tickles his funny bone! 



Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A: A Hoblin Goblin! 



Q: Why does a Mummy make a bad birthday gift?
A: Because he is hard to unwrap! 



Q: How do you tell twin witches apart?
A: It is hard to tell which witch is which! 



Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body! 



Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts!

Q. What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A. A dead end.



Q. What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A. A wash-and-werewolf.



Q. What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A. Fasten your sheet belt.



Q. What is a witch with poison ivy called?
A. An itchy witchy.



Q. Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
A. His ghoul friend.



Q. Where do vampires live?
A. In the Vampire State Building.



Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
A. The whatwolves and the whenwolves.



Q. What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
A. I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.



Q. What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A. A blood hound.



Q. Why are black cats such good singers?
A. They're very mewsical.



Q. What's a cold, evil candle called?
A. The wicked wick of the north.



Q. What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
A. Hallowieners.



Q. Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
A. In noisery school.



Q. What does a goblin shop for?
A. Grosseries.



Q. How can you tell when windows are scared?
A. They get shudders.



Q. What do you call serious rocks?
A. Grave stones.



Q. Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
A. She had to give a screech.



Q. What's a goblin's favorite flavor?
A. Lemon n' Slime.



Q. Why wasn't the vampire working?
A. He was on his coffin break.



Q. How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A. By scareplane.



Q. How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
A. By witchful thinking.



Q. What's a ghoul's favorite breakfast cereal?
A. Rice Creepies.



Q. Why did the witch's mail rattle?
A. It was a chain letter.



Q. Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn?
A. It was a stake sandwich.



Q. What instrument does a skeleton play?
A. A trombone.



Q. Why was the zombie so grumpy?
A. She woke up too early in the mourning.



Q. What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
A. "Make a fright turn at the corner."



Q. What do birds give out on Halloween?
A. Tweets.



Q. What's a vampire's favorite feast?
A. Fangsgiving Day dinner.



Q. What do little trees say on Halloween?
A. Twig or treat.



Q. What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
A. Ghostcards.



Q. Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A. She had bat breath.



Q. How do ghosts begin letters?
A. Tomb it may concern...



Q. Who is the most famous ghost detective?
A. Sherlock Bones!



Q. What do you call a skeleton who tells jokes?
A. A funny bone!



Q. What do ghosts watch if they want to relax?
A. Skelly-vision!



Q. What do Skeletons use when they want a chat?
A. A tele-bone!



Q. Why did the wizard mix things in his cauldron?
A. His microwave was being repaired!



Q. What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?
A. A Skele-tan.



Q. What do you call a lady spook who works on an airplane?
A. An air-ghostess!



Q. What do spooks eat in the interval?
A. Ice-scream!



Q. What's the difference between a ghost and a butcher?
A. One stays awake and the other weighs a steak!



Q. What's the difference between a silly ghost and a plate of cheese on toast?
A. One is easy to cheat the other is cheesy to eat!



Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A. A cereal killer.



Q. What's a mummy's favorite music?
A. Wrap Music!



Q. Where do ghosts mail their letters?
A. At the ghost office.



Q. What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
A. The roller ghosted.



Q. What's a ghosts favorite fruit?
A. Booberries.



Q. What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A. A handfull of sheet!



Q. Why did the ghost cross the road?
A. To get to "THE OTHER SIDE."



Q. How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A. With a pumpkin patch!



Q. What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
A. Spelling!



Q. How do you make a witch stew?
A. Keep her waiting for hours.



Q. What tops off a ghost's sundae?
A. Whipped Scream.



Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
A. It had no BODY to dance with.



Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A. Because he's always a goblin.



Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A. He's mist.



Q. What sailors like to be chilled to the bone?
A. A skeleton crew.

Q. What does a sorceress wear?
A. A bewitching outfit.



Q. Why was the mummy so tense?
A. He was all wound up.



Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A. In the casketeria.



Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?
A. Over the ghoul line.



Q. What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A. Toasty ghosty.



Q. What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A. Hoblin Goblin.



Q. Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
A. "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."



Q. What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A. A dead ringer.



Q. What's a haunted chicken? 
A. A poultry-geist.



Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? 
A. Because of his coffin.



Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps.



Q. What's a monster's favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet.



Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray.



Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo.



Q. Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A. It's good for the bones. 



Q. Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A. Their bats flew away. 



Q. What does a vampire fear most?
A. Tooth decay. 

Q. Where do mummies go for a swim?
A. To the dead sea. 



Q. What is Transylvania?
A. Dracula's terror-tory. 



Q. Where does Dracula water ski?
A. On Lake Erie. 



Q. What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A. A blood vessel. 



Q. What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference? 
A. Pumpkin Pi. 



Q. What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A. Don't spook until your spooken to. 



Q. What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A. An amoeboo! 



Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. He didn't have the guts. 



Q. What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? 
A. He was repossessed.



Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.



Q. What do rednecks do on Halloween?
A. Pump-kin!



Q. Why don't witches wear panties? 
A. To get a better grip on the broom! 



Q. Why is it so easy to turn on Frankenstein's monster?
A. Because he has amps in his pants.



Q. Why don't witches have babies?
A. Because their husbands have crystal balls and hollow-weenies.



Q. What do Skeletons say before eating?
A. Bone Appetite.



Q. Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
A. He was caught drinking on the job.



Q. Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
A. Women can see right through them.



Q. Why are Vampires Democrats?
A. They want Gore in 2000.



Q. What kind of clothes do Zombies wear?
A. Decay NY.



Q. Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
A. They're a bunch of no bodies.



Q. What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?
A. Scared stiff.



Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? 
A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend! 



Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? 
A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.



Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? 
A. He didn't have a haunting license. 



Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? 
A. Mas-scare-a. 



Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton? 
A. Napoleon bone-apart.



Q. Where do most goblins live? 
A. In North and South Scarolina. 



Q. Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche? 
A. At a ghastly station. 



Q. What do you call a little monsters parents? 
A. Mummy and deady.



Q. Why do vampires scare people? 
A. They are bored to death!



Q. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? 
A. Every night he turns into a bat. 



Q. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? 
A. It's a pain in the neck.



Q. What song does Dracula hate? 
A. "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on my Shoulders.



Q. How does a girl vampire flirt? 
A. She bats her eyes.



Q. What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? 
A. A grave problem.



Q. Why are vampires like false teeth? 
A. They all come out at night.



Q. Who does Dracula get letters from? 
A. His fang club.



Q. What can't you give the headless horseman? 
A. A headache.



Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business? 
A. He wanted to get ahead in life.



Q. Why do girl ghosts go on diets? 
A. So they can keep their ghoulish figures.



Q. When does a ghost have breakfast? 
A. In the moaning.



Q. What do ghosts drink at breakfast? 
A. Coffee with scream and sugar.



Q. Where does a ghost go on vacation? 
A. Mali-boo.



Q. What do you call two witches living together? 
A. Broommates.



Q. Why don't mummies take vacations? 
A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Dracula was killed one day and up he was due to be re-incarnated. He was refused because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood and killing. He was finally given another chance to redeem himself. Dracula was sent to earth, BUT not in a human form. He would only be re-incarnated into any other living things of his choice. 

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a living thing with wings and suck blood, heh..heh..heh." 

"So be it".....and Dracula was changed into a vampire bat. 

So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer. 

Feeling a bit sheepish he requested for another chance. After much pleading he was given another chance. He was told that he will be sent back again but not as a human or a bat. Dracula was asked, "What will it be this time?" 

Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a living thing with wings and suck blood!" After much consideration Dracula was turned into a mosquito. 

So, back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim. 

Feeling stupid, Dracula again requested for one last chance to redeem himself. Consent was finally given but this time Dracula cannot become a living thing. Dracula can only be turned into a NON-living thing of his choice. 

Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okaayyy.. then turn me in to a non-living thing with wings that sucks blood!! heh.. heh.. heh.." 

No problem.....Dracula was changed into a non-living thing that sucks blood. Dracula became a Stayfree maxi-pad!

Drunk Pumpkin

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard ask: "What's going on?" 

To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist. 

"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride. 

"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist. 

The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. 

"He's still not in the mood," she complained. 

"This time," the therapist recommended, "try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom." 

But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance." 

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. 

"Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time." 

"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist. 

"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

There was a seminar on "Psychic Phenomena" going on, when the speaker decided to involve the audience. He first asked, "Everyone who has ever seen a ghost, please stand up." Well, nearly the entire audience stood up. 

He then asked, "Everyone who has ever had a close encounter with a ghost, please remain standing." About 2 dozen people were still standing. 

He then asked how many people had been in the same room as a ghost and 6 people stood up. 

Finally he asked, "Anyone who has ever had SEX with a ghost, please remain standing." Everyone sat down except this one man. 

When the speaker demanded if he had REALLY had sex with a ghost, the guy replied, "Oh, I am very sorry, I thought you said GOAT."

FUN WITH TRICK-OR-TREATERS

* Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

* Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

* Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

* Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

* Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

* Hand them your child's school fund raiser ordering sheet and insist that they buy their own candy.

* After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

* Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

* When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

* When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

* Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

* Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

* When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

* Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

* Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

* Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

* Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

* Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

WHY PUMPKINS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

* Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

* No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

* One usually makes a better pie.

* They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

* If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

* If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

* From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

* A pumpkin is turned on only when you want him to be.

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